What to Expect From Me And Other Aspies

"I like pigs. Cats look up to us. Dogs look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals."

--Winston Churchill

This is a very fragmented, and likely incomplete, list of the traits/symptoms of Asperger's Syndrome. These are true for me, and (to the best of my knowledge from my research) mostly true for other Aspies.

However, even within Asperger's there is a huge spectrum of symptoms and degree, and they may not be present (or present to a small extent) in everyone. In other words, don't assume you know everything that you could possibly expect to see in me, or in other Aspies. These are just the Cliff Notes.

Also, these are largely based on a much better Aspie communicator's video blog, which you should watch first anyway (he's a better communicator anyway): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vca1Biwct0c

These are not in any particular order (other than Linus's original order from the video), and I'm going to be a bit more detailed.

1) Problems understanding social cues, enter conversations, and reading/interpreting body language.

• There's a whole, rich social world that I and other Aspies just can't see. More importantly, you probably don't even consciously recognize that it's there either. Since I never heard anyone articulate why they had trouble with me in clearer terms than "there's just something about you" or (when being polite) "you're just eccentric and different," my best guess is that all of this communication goes on at both a non-verbal (obvious) and unconscious (not obvious) level. As a result, I either have to think about what I'm supposed to say/do next, or I miss it altogether. In other words, I will almost never "get the hint," "see the obvious," or "get the message." If you want me to do something, or (as is often the case) stop/not do something, you must say it out loud and without subtlety. It's not impolite, at least for me. If you try to be polite to avoid hurting my feelings, I will not understand the message. I would rather you be honest, direct, and even hurtful than to let me continue doing whatever it is that bothers you, or not doing whatever it is that I should be doing, This might be uncomfortable for you, but it's even more uncomfortable for me to continue trying to figure out what you expect of me.
   
• Examples:
• When the conversation/meeting is over, please indicate that it is over. "See you later," "I need to get to work," or a simple handshake and farewell will do. Unlike many Aspies, I like a firm handshake because it is a strong indication that a conversation, meeting, or introduction is either beginning or ending (however, I hate weak handshakes--like the limp fingers or the "horizontal high-five. A fist bump is fine, but don't make it complicated--I am both culturally [white and nerdy] and neurologically incapable of doing trick handshakes).
• If there's something you want to ask me, or tell me, don't dance around it with chit-chat, implication, or euphemisms. Spit it out, and trust that I'll be diplomatic enough for you in my response (I know it's uncomfortable for you, and I know you can understand nuance even if I can't).
• I don't know how close or distant I should be from other people when talking, standing, sitting, or whatever. I constantly worry that I'm "too close" to you, but I don't notice if I'm "too far away" because I'm obviously not going to stand further away than I'm comfortable myself. Proxemics is heavy shit, yo.

2) Strong desire for routines and stability, become stressed, frustrated, or angry at interruptions in routine.

• I'm not anywhere near as bad about this as my dad--whose daily schedule I can recite down to the hour, and what he ate for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. But there are still routines and habits that I cling to because, for lack of a better way to put it, they allow me to feel as if I'm functional and in control of myself. Some examples:
• I need at least an hour after waking up before I'm capable of doing any work, deep thought, or especially socializing (I can manage a "good morning," or other rote responses, but otherwise I need to be alone).
• I will pick a particular seat where I feel most comfortable in a room, and I will return to that seat every day. I won't lose my shit if someone else sits there, but I will be uncomfortable sitting somewhere else. For example, I'll usually pick a chair rather than a seat on a sofa/futon; I'm uncomfortable when even a trusted colleague or coworker sit next to me on a couch because I don't know what other people--individually and collectively--consider an appropriate amount of personal space in any situation. It's far easier to sit in the easy chair. Also, I will *never* sit with my back to a door (I must see who is coming in and out at all times).
• I now realize why I explain every assignment in my courses, in detail and with all assignment criteria, on my syllabus, and why I remind students what we will be talking about every day, for the next week, in the first few minutes of class. I need you to do the same for me because I get incredibly frustrated and confused when I don't know what's coming next.

3) Appear to lack emotion or empathy

• Emphasis on "appear." It's a common misconception that Aspies have no emotions nor empathy, and it's fucking wrong. However, I am--through long practice--very good at concealing emotion, and producing fake emotions, as needed to fit in. In a way, it's almost a passive-aggressive response to the fact that I can't read your emotions any more than I can read your thoughts or body language--unless they're incredibly predictable or exaggerated. I can also read intentions very well--perhaps even better than you--because going through life unable to really know what you're feeling has forced me to focus on what you're going to say or do (I have a bad habit of finishing other people's sentences; it involves the same skill). 
• On the other hand, there's some truth to the stereotype. I often don't feel what I'm supposed to feel, or feel anything at all when I should be laughing, crying, or being insulted. I didn't swell up with patriotic fever or Afghanistan/Iraq bloodlust after 9/11, I've only once felt sad and cried at a funeral, and the words "WE'RE HAVING A BABY!" fill me with disgust (I'll probably slip away quietly from all the excitement, cheering, and cooing). I'm happy when other people are having a lousy day. I'm depressed or grumpy when everyone else is happily enjoying a sunny day. And I didn't cry when Old Yeller died, but I did cry when Liz Siler sent an email for the food bank that said a little girl came in trying to get food for her kitten. Shit, my eyes are watering now just thinking about it.
• On that note, it might be an even greater surprise to you that I feel emotions (I believe) more intensely than most people do. Certain images (mental or physical/in-the-real-world) will set me bawling for hours (for example, I watched a documentary about Harry Truman--greatest president of all time--the other day, and completely lost my shit when I saw the clip of the atomic bomb going off, and the following clip of radiation-sick Japanese women and children dying in the hospital. It took me an hour to recover enough to continue watching). Seeing people get hurt (in an insignificant way, like stubbing a toe or absent-mindedly walking into a streetlight) will make me ROFLMFAO (to coin a phrase).
• In short, my emotions aren't wired the same way yours are, but there's one emotion you can always count on: if you try to make me feel bad for not feeling the way I'm supposed to feel, I'm going to get very pissed. And I will make a shitstorm out of it.

4) Literal understanding of words (written and spoken). 

• This one's so true. While I am an English major, and I can certainly recognize puns, common euphemisms and figures of speech, I have a pathological hatred of poetry and verse. In fact, I failed Creative Writing: Poetry three times. Furthermore, when you're giving me directions, you must be literal, direct, and explicit. If you want me to "just guess" or "figure it out," don't bitch if I don't do what you expected me to do. And, like most Aspies, I have a real fucking hard time with sarcasm. I can't count the number of times a girl has kicked me in the shins because I took her at face value (girls kick shins or punch shoulders. Guys throw punches or verbal insults. It's just one of those things). I also hate "corny" jokes, like "Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was asalted." It takes me an extra bit of time to work it out, and it ain't funny to begin with.

5) Difficulty understanding sarcasm and some forms of humor.

• See above. I also don't laugh at: race jokes (obviously, though that never stops people from telling them), sexual innuendo, tasteless puns (sorry Rose; I like them to have a bit of an edge, or at least some sharp wit), most geek humor, gender jokes (yeah yeah, I've heard it all: men are stupid, women are crazy, and they can't shut up about it long enough to listen to each other. It ain't original), gay jokes, drug jokes (yeah yeah, stoners are stupid, everything is a synonym for getting high or drunk, yada yada yada growthefuckup), or "retard" jokes that are actually directed at the only group of people who should be offended. Pretty much everything out of Carlos Mencia and Dave Chappelle's repetoire, really. At least Chappelle had a higher level of irony to them, and quit when he realized that his fans were missing the real joke.
• I do, however, like the more socially unacceptable forms of humor. For example, I do like any and all of the above genres of humor if the joke is incredibly, and near universally offensive! Naturally, this gets me in a lot of trouble. I'll do my best not to tell them in most situations. I also like it when people joke about (their own) death, disease, pain, etc. It's funny because it's profane, obscene, and/or offends hegemonic values and traditions, but most of all because sometimes we have to laugh to avoid crying. Need an example? Anything by: Christopher Titus, Bill Cosby's childhood, Gilbert Gottfried (whose sole intent is to leave no group of people, who currently or have ever walked the earth, unoffended), George Carlin (obviously), Lenny Bruce, etc. If it's dark, edgy, or beautifully offensive, it's funny. Again, I'm still learning not to make these jokes in mixed company.

6) Speak in monotone, or otherwise have strange tone of voice.

• If I can hear it, I know you can hear it.
• But I don't usually hear it when I get louder because I'm talking about something really interesting or exciting, or a really good punchline. Please remind me.

7) May often correct speech, or try to be more specific.

• Or, to put it another way... Really, though, this goes back to the literal understanding of language. Most Aspies are constantly obsessed with making the meaning of their speech as clear and precise as possible, and I'm often unsatisfied with my own choice of words. Also, we have issues with motor skills, including our tongues--mispronouncing a word, or stuttering, or any other momentary speech impediments give us an uncontrollable impulse to say it right. And you have no idea how many times I delete a sentence as I'm writing it, in order to rewrite it more clearly. And I look up even the most common words in the dictionary in order to make sure I'm using them correctly.
• On a related subject, I have a pathological hatred of semantic drift and semantic widening. Need a new meaning? Invent a new fucking word. And, please, enough fucking acronyms and initialisms--I'm talking to you, APA! (and yes, it also bugs me when people call an initialism an acronym. It's only an acronym if it can be pronounced easily).

8) Avoid eye contact, wandering eyes.

• This one's complicated. I, and pretty much all other Aspies, can make eye contact in many different situations. However, I don't like making eye contact with strangers when I'm walking through the hall or something. I don't like making eye contact with authority figures (which makes sense--look a cop in the eye, and he's likely to stick a flashlight in yours). And, when I'm thinking or listening carefully, I usually have to stare at the ceiling or the table in order to focus.
• Even colleagues, sitting across from me, make me uncomfortable if we make eye contact--especially if they're not the ones who are talking.
• I can, however, look someone in the eye if I think it's expected of me, and they are equals! This includes my students, usually, though I obviously have authority over them. I don't, however, like looking around my classroom at everyone, or looking around the room at a conference where I'm speaking or on a panel. Making eye contact in these situations is very stressful for me.
• You need to understand that for me, and many Aspies, eye contact is very personal. It is often very sensual, something reserved for intimates. And, for me at least, I can't escape feeling some variety of sexual tension from close eye contact--obviously, if it's someone I'm not romantically involved with, I'm going to look away at that moment. 
• Short example: in high school, I wore sunglasses indoors as well as outdoors (another classic Aspie habit) because the damned florescent lights--and their flickering--really stressed me out and hurt my eyes. When I would talk to my girlfriend, however, I'd take them off (sexual, sensual intimacy). One time the principal called me into the office (for whatever, I can't remember) and shortly into it she said "Could you take your sunglasses off for me? I noticed that you do it for your girlfriend, and I would appreciate the same courtesy." It was well worth a three-day suspension to reply "When I start fucking you, I'll take them off."

9) Hypersensitive to sensory stimuli. Experience sensory stimuli that others do not.

• This one's huge, and near universal. I'm very photosensitive, and it is pure agony for me to walk outside without my sunglasses. Every time I need a new pair, I have to go hunting for the one pharmacy in eighty miles that actually bothers to carry "Magic Clip" frames (as opposed to the grandma-style flip-up clip-ons sold at every pharmacy in every town), and for some reason, it's never the same damn pharmacy and they never actually have the sunglasses in stock when I need them. As soon as I find a company that makes prescription steampunk goggles (in order to completely block out all those damned angles that catch direct sunlight), I'm throwing fashion shame to the wind and wearing them everywhere, all the time.
• Supposedly, smokers don't have a good sense of smell. But I can still smell things better than most of you, I can identify more smells than most people (the "what are you having for lunch" conversations in my life confirm this), and so help me god, if you ask me how exactly I know that something "tastes like shit," I'm going to rub your nose in it--because (and perhaps this is just me, I guess) tasting is just a more intense kind of smelling, and visa versa. If I've smelled something, I have a damn good idea what it tastes like.
• I itch a lot more than most people. And if there's a booger in my nose, I can't think straight until I get the fucker out of there. Manners be damned, just be glad I'm not going to eat it. If you want to know why I have to scratch these itches in front of you, with no regard for manners, take a saltine cracker, crunch it up, and sprinkle the crumbs down your shirt. Moving on.
• I'm quickly and easily distracted by movements around me. Part of it is an instinctual form of biological threat assessment, and part of it is the constant question "Who's that?" Apparently, in my experience, most psychiatrists think this more than warrants the strongest antipsychotics in the cupboard to correct (yeah, I'm still pissed that I have to harass my doctor for EEG/EKGs and X-rays of my heart every year to check for any discernible disease/damage).
• While I can only hear up to 14.5k hz (I've tested this, easily with a dog whistle app on my phone), I can hear things that are much softer than most people. I'm constantly awakened by the sound of the cat kicking litter in his box--three rooms away with the door closed. Contradictively, I'm comforted by the sounds of cars on the highway outside my hotel room (or old apartments). And I have absolutely the worst hearing in "cocktail" environments with a great deal of background noise. Also, I can only follow one line of (verbal, obviously) conversation at once. Don't get pissed if I don't choose yours, I'm going to follow the one I hear best, which is not always the one closest to me (if some physicist would like to explain this to me, I'd be happy to hear it, if you'll pardon the pun).
• Scratching or rubbing my hair, even when I don't itch, comforts me. Deal with it, I do my best to keep it to a minimum. And I can't stand having a clean-shaven face for the same reason, on top of the fact that shaving really hurts (but for some reason, it's not much worse for me to dry-shave, and I don't use shaving cream either--water is just fine).
• Most importantly, I don't like to be touched. Touch is extremely sensual and sexual for me, unless it's a handshake, shoulder-punch, fist-bump, or anything along those lines. I can deal with hugs, but they're uncomfortable even among friends (unless I initiate it). I wear long sleeves most of the time for a reason.
• Very Important: I know that women will, consciously or unconsciously (I honestly don't know), quickly and gently touch someone's elbow, shoulder, or back to get their attention. Please don't do this. I find it insincere at best, horribly manipulative at worst, and you're going to get the wrong kind of attention from me if you do it.
• Obviously, romantic touch is perfectly fine, though PDA does make me a bit uncomfortable. Especially if I have to watch rather than participate (however, though it makes me uncomfortable, I'll rarely say anything because I don't think my issues should dictate your affection for your partner. I'll try to look away politely as if there's something very interesting about my shoes.).

10) Awkward facial expressions and/or postures.

• I'm never comfortable in any position in public.
• I've learned some hand gestures, such as "the arch" (forming a triangle or phallus with all fingers pressed together, or just pointer fingers), that are supposed to convey certain moods and attitudes through body language. I use these, and other gestures, to try to imitate those moods and attitudes.

11) Have obsessive, intense interests or extensive, specific bodies of knowledge.

• I'm very easily distracted by new topics. The literature surrounding this very stereotypical (and diagnostic) trait of Aspergers can be very stupid ("obsession with train schedules or dinosaurs"). I'm obsessed with politics, as all of you have damn well noticed, and (luckily for my profession) words, language, and rhetoric. This last interest is rather unusual for Aspies, as far as I can tell. I've also always been interested by people and most forms of communication--people are puzzles for me, just as they are for Greg House, and I'm often happy just sitting on a bench and people-watching. It's rather sad, and cliche, but I do this because I'm an outsider trying to look in, and I'm always trying to learn how to have meaningful interaction with other people. 

12) Very talkative, prone to outbursts or monologues, often of internal thoughts or curiosities. Often can be described as lacking a "filter" between what they think and when/where/to whom they say it.

• You've met me. You know this. If I'm boring you, please tell me clearly and directly.
• Sometimes I do get the hint, but I'm going to finish my point anyway. I feel like a fool when I just stop mid-sentence or mid-idea.

13) Poor motor skills, often described as "clumsy" or "accident-prone."

• I stutter. I get hit in the face when someone throws me a ball. Or car keys. Or anything else for that matter. It's partly poor motor skills, partly delayed reaction because I have to stop and think (in my head, but quite verbally) "Someone's throwing a ball at me. I should catch it. Okay, where is i---*smack*."
• Like missing social cues and body language, Aspies can learn to do these. It took an extra goddamn long time for me, but I can type 60 words per minute, I often practice juggling (with miserable results after twenty years), and I'm carefully focused on what I'm doing I can usually avoid banging my hand on doorknobs, elbows on tables and pointy things, and other accident-prone things. Nevertheless, I still bang into things far more often than I think you'd care for; if it's appropriate, I don't mind if you laugh. Especially if I curse about it. I'll probably laugh too, it'll make me feel better.

There are other symptoms and traits, but thirteen is enough for now. I'll edit this list as needed.